When I am weak, then am I strong

George Earviak, a husband and father in Newtok, took 2 of his 4 kids (George Jr, age 10 and Teddy, age 8) out on the snow machine to check their black fish trap. They left Friday morning and never returned. The village had several search and rescue volunteers that went out, searching for 2 days but had no luck. After the first unsuccessful day the Tribal Council called for the Coast Guard and Air Force. Saturday there were several planes flying over the village and the tundra, looking for any sign of survival. Sunday morning I went outside and saw Grant ride up on his snow machine. He came over and talked for a while - he had been out searching and the men just found the Earviak’s snow machine submerged in a pond right behind the airport. The whole village had been on their toes, holding their breath for the past 2 days. When Grant told us this, our hearts fell to our stomachs. If the snow machine was in a pond, they would be too. And there is no way anyone would be alive after 2 days in that water. So without stating the obvious, we all knew what that meant. It was so sad hearing Grant say “If only I had dug around in the snow over there... or walked up to the airport that day...”

The tension had been so great during the wait that it was almost unbearable. My roommate (Naomi) and I decided to clean the house - actually, it’s never been cleaner. We decorated for Christmas early and tried not to think about what state the Earviaks were in. Whenever someone gets lost or stranded out on the tundra, you feel guilty about staying indoors, in a safe, warm place.

There’s a teacher who doesn’t have a VHF, who taught George Jr. last year, so I went over to break the news to her. I hated to do it but it was either that or she would find out at school the next morning. We had a brief staff meeting and Grant, a Native, told us it’s okay to talk about what happened and reiterate the importance of safety.

Me and Naomi were actually glad our snow machine is not completely fixed yet. There were lots of times I’ve wanted to ride it this fall, and that could have very easily been me. Yall know how crazy I can get out there. Many larger ponds look as if they’re frozen and I’ve been on lots of hikes walking across solid ponds, and actually have fallen through a couple of waist deep ponds. I know compared to the Natives I am ignorant about what it takes to survive here. I can be naive and careless, and I cringe when I think about all the times I could have died, and almost did, but didn’t.

Paula, the teacher from Louisiana, has been here 8 years, longer than any other teacher. She’s watched these kids grow since they were babies. What’s hard is that there is no real outlet, no real break, no time to stop and regroup. If you need to stay home a day, the only choice for a sub is a villager, which seems cruel to ask them to fill in. When I first saw Paula after the tragedy, the first thing she said to me was “please don’t fall in a frozen pond.” We both knew I’ve been lucky. I nodded and vowed to myself be more careful.

How these people can be so strong and resilient astounds me. There are (was) 320 people living in this village. They say every year someone has an accident or gets lost in a blizzard out there. Sometimes they make it, sometimes they don’t. I can’t explain enough how hard a life it is here, especially for the Natives. Their subsistence lifestyles, the brutal environment, no plumbing or running water, the erosion destroying the land. This year especially has been purely brutal with loss and no hope for the depressed. The teenager committing suicide, several other suicide attempts, the school aide who died with a heart attack, Joann died with cancer, the deaths of family members in other villages (3 this week), a brutal torture and murder of a man known in Newtok (but happened in Bethel), and now this. The loss of a dad and 2 of his sons. His daughter, Agnes, is 13 and in my junior high reading class. I can’t imagine carrying on in her shoes! The Yupik are tough people. You have to be in order to survive out here.

I know I’ve only known these people for 2 years but it’s still tough. To just pick up and have to push on, one bad event after the next, I’m not gonna lie -  it’s just plain hard. I want to be there emotionally for the students but I also have to take care of myself, which is something I’ve learned the hard way. There comes a point when you get numb for survival’s sake and just zone out. My mind shuts off when it’s overloaded with pain and I have to keep teaching and carrying on, but at the same time I try and focus on what really matters. I don’t look at the details, I have to look at the big picture. That helps. Life can be so dismal here. It’s so fragile, and you have no choice but to keep going. I mean, I have a life outside the village, which, along with God, is what keeps me going. I can’t fathom living this hard life all out - the pain seems too much to bear. My heart and prayers go out to the villagers. We all need a respite.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
   
    2 Corinthians 12:9-10

A Tribute to Nassa

I wrote in an earlier blog entry that Peter (Yupik name is Nassa), a student of mine last year, committed suicide over the summer. His family, classmates, and friends have had a rough year without him. Well, I had written a couple of songs for my family and made some videos, so my roommate, who teaches writing, wanted the kids to write song lyrics. Then we decided to make it a project. I taught the students how to make a video and they had some fun with it. So the point of explaining that... a couple of high school boys wrote a song dedicated to the memory of Peter. We showed the class the video with their song, and after it was over, every person in the room was near tears. It was so touching - the raw emotion and sincerity was palpable. It was so somber. 

What was I suppose to say at this point? I went to the front of the class and just stood there wiping the tears away, and I felt so sorry for those kids. They have hard lives, and even though I have days where I just want to pull my hair out, I know that they have to deal with hardships I couldn’t even imagine when I was a kid. 

So that’s what I told them. I also told them that I had lost a relative when I was young, and I never understood why. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, but my mom gave me some advice once, that when a child of God dies young, their Spirit remains young. It’s hard now, it’s unfair, it doesn’t make sense - but we’re not meant to know everything. We just have to be patient. Heaven needs both old and young people. Now, I’m not sure if Peter was a child of God, but that need for salvation definitely opened these students’ eyes. We discussed what Heaven would be like and I was so, so, so happy to see them hopeful and more optimistic about life. 

They wanted to watch the video again, so we did. This time I got goosebumps because the whole class started singing along. The song mentions they hope to see Peter at the Golden Gates. I told them before I had to move to my next class to make sure they go through those Gates one day - make sure you’re right with God before you leave this life. 

I know I’m not the greatest teacher, but I know these kids need more than knowledge of books. So I don’t regret a minute being real with these kids, being open and honest, talking about what needs to be addressed. 

The boys who wrote the song and made the video asked if there was a way to put it online. They wanted so much to make this dedication a lasting tribute, so of course I said I would upload it for them. You can watch the video at the link below, and while you watch it, say a prayer that these students will find the peace that comes with being a child of God. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsaQ5ARVoB8

Amazing

Go and be

Nothing less than you

'Cause you begin in Him

He'll show you what you need to know

To go and be

Every single day

Go and be

-Audio Adrenaline, “Go and Be”

Since I moved to Alaska, more often than not, I feel like I’m living in a book. I knew from the beginning this adventure was God’s. I came here to spread my wings spiritually and to answer God’s calling when He said, “go unto all the world...”

I can tell you without a doubt in my mind God means it when He says He will never leave you. When He promised us the Spirit to guide us, He kept His promise. And when Paul said with HIM, all things are possible, that’s the absolute truth.

I’ve never been the kind of person to talk much, and when I do have something to say, it’s hard for me to find the right words. So when I am faced with an opportunity to share Christ with others and be His Light, I know it’s God that speaks for me. I haven’t a clue what I would say otherwise, and thankfully He knows that. But God has a history of using the seemingly insignificant people, those who are incapable in the world’s eyes, those who are least likely to succeed in being His hands and feet – Moses, Paul, David, and the mere fisherman that became His disciples, to name a few. 

The more I live the more I realize how unworthy and pitiful I am on my own, and the more God is glorified when He uses me. Countless times He has opened doors, provided opportunities to witness, to comfort the hurting, encourage the feeble, and glorify Him. And I’m not kidding when I say He speaks for me, the Spirit completely in charge, giving me words to say that I wouldn’t know otherwise. All I can say is I’m humbled and unworthy, nevertheless amazed and awed by His ability to not just BE, but to GO and MOVE. When we as Christians are 100% willing to be used by Him, and trust that He will come through and be the backbone of everything we do, the results are simply astounding. 

One instance occurred when I flew to Bethel - I ran into a father who leaves his family for weeks at time to get drunk with his wife. I won’t go into great detail here but we had an intense conversation. He was completely broken. I was led by God to speak with Him, led by Him to physically embrace him, to touch his face, to be there with him and pray for him. And that physical connection, and by acknowledging him, not just walking by like everyone else – was all it took to awaken him to reality. I told him his family needed him, and he was on the verge of tears at this point. He was genuinely ashamed, and when God moved through me and thus moved the man, I witnessed a miracle. I saw his brokenness turn to shame, and that shame turn to hope. I looked in his eyes and smiled, and he smiled back. God was glorified and HIS hope was discovered. How humbled I was to be God’s instrument. I certainly have no ability but to be willing and courageous.

That particular day was especially blessed. All I could do was just praise God. Half an hour later, I walked to a restaurant, and saw another villager, suffering from the same pain that alcohol has put on her family. We sat down and had lunch together and had some deep conversation, getting pretty darn personal and passionate. I mean, what are the odds!? How incredible is God, seriously. Alone, I am incapable, inadequate, and insecure. But the Holy Spirit is alive and at work, turning mistakes into miracles and proving there is nothing impossible. All glory belongs to God.

Hiking Myself Into Trouble

Fun story-

I took a hike for quite a while until I came to a stream, the same stream that I fell through the ice last year. It’s only waist deep but very cold! It’s probably a few miles from the village but I wondered if I should turn around and head back – my roommate would be expecting me soon and it was getting colder and darker. But I didn’t want to give in and go back. Sometimes you get that feeling like you can’t do something, and I hate that feeling. It’s why, often times, I wind up doing something stupid just to prove my own doubts wrong. You can see where this is going….

thoroughly whooped by Alaska's wilderness
....and yet I still smile.

Anyway, once that negative thought came in my head there was nothing I could do but keep going. The stream is at least 10 feet across, so I backed up and took a running jump, and landed on the slanting bank, consequently sinking towards the water. The bank (and much of the land beyond this stream) is clay and mud, and it’s pretty much impossible to walk through. You sink, and while you’re trying to get your foot out, your other one gets stuck. The clay is what makes you stick when you’ve sunk. So I was trying to climb the bank because I wasn’t in warm enough clothes to fall in the water, although I did wind up getting my entire left leg soaked. Anyway, I finally was able to climb up to level ground. But now I was surrounded by this clay-mud. Each step takes at least a minute just from trying to pull your foot up. This wears down your muscles after a few minutes, and it throws off your balance. So after a while I decided to head to my right because I could see grass in that direction. Well, the turn didn’t go so well. My right foot was stuck pretty good – my foot almost came out of my boot and I couldn’t even move it an inch. When I tried to put my left foot ahead and to the right, facing the different direction, I lost my balance and fell over. The wind wasn’t any help at all. Well, I never expect to stay clean on my hikes, which is a good thing. It turned out great because it was much easier to crawl out than walk out. Once I got to the grass I decided I did enough hiking for the day. I felt completely stupid, once again, for assuming I can overcome the obstacles of nature. This really is a merciless environment, and I’ve lived and hiked here enough to know that. Its beauty and thrill is still too much to keep me away, though.

Before I jumped the stream I was carrying a flat piece of wood I found to set up camp somewhere along the way. I do this early in the year, then throughout the year when I go on hikes it’s all ready set up for me to use as a table or rest, watch the waves rolling in or snow falling, watch the birds, and enjoy the peaceful and beautiful scenery. So anyway, I was carrying this piece of wood up until after I jumped over the stream. I managed to hold on to it, and when I finally stood up, I was so proud that I didn’t give up and go back and that I “conquered” the stream that, overcome by the moment, I threw down the piece of wood triumphantly, symbolizing I was capable of roughing it without something to sit on. I know it sounds silly and dramatic… but in the midst of it, when I’m out there in the wilderness, completely isolated and nothing but my own willpower and vigor to keep going, I become overwhelmed with victory and consequently do things like that. :) I guess you have to experience moments like that to understand. But then, I always realize you can never conquer nature. Immediately after I had my little victory ceremony is when I got stuck in the clay-mud. Living among the Eskimos, you learn great respect for the land. Nature is never “conquered” – now, it may allow you to come out alive or even unscathed, but we – I – should never underestimate the brutality of nature! Beautiful, adventurous, and fun though it may be, it can also be merciless. 

I’ve been very fortunate not to have ever come across a fox with rabies or some other wild animal on my hikes alone, because they are pretty common here. People keep telling me I shouldn’t walk so far out and that I shouldn’t go alone, and that may be true, but I do carry protection. All the same, I may be young, stupid, and naive, but God is still looking out for me.

I finally made it back to Newtok, trudging with the extra pounds of clay plastered all over my body and pretty cold. Of course I had to run into most of my colleagues. Kevin came out and called me back, wanting to know why I was covered in mud. Paula was sitting there laughing at me, and Grant came over and got the story first-hand. Anyway, they know how I am and they get some good laughs over my adventures, and so do I! And like always, I don’t regret going. It was lots of fun and it sure makes me respect the wilderness all the more. 

 

Almost Homeless!

Well, my latest adventure tops all traveling adventures so far in the bush. It’s common knowledge among all bush teachers that you just have to accept being uncomfortable, traveling by the seat of your pants and thinking on your feet. So here’s how it went down:

My original plans were to leave Thursday morning for Bethel, on my way to a literacy conference in Girdwood (outside of Anchorage). I had a schedule of when I was to do certain things, getting ready for this trip. Quarter 1 grades are due Thursday, so I spent Tuesday evening getting those submitted. Wednesday I was going to make sup plans and pack, and this is also my allotted time for laundry. So I had clothes washing while talking to some other teachers, just hanging out in the hall. It was around 5:00. My flight schedule came up and they all wondered why I wasn’t flying out that night – apparently the weather was suppose to be pretty bad in the morning, which means I would miss the flight and the whole trip would be off. I had no idea about the weather conditions, and I admit that was stupid of me not to check. So anyway, right then I had to make some phone calls. The aviation desk said there was room for me on the evening flight, they had already left for Newtok, and the plane would be there in 15 minutes. YIKES!

Talk about bad timing. I had laundry on, no sub plans made, no papers printed for the sub like I was planning on doing.... I hadn't packed, I had NO reservations in Bethel for staying the night, and no one was expecting me until the morning. So I grabbed by laundry bag and just threw it in the back of my classroom. I had to leave my clothes in the laundry, which is where having a roommate comes in handy. I ran home, grabbed a backpack, threw some clothes in it, and sprinted to the airport, which would take about 10 minutes if you were walking. I know from experience bush planes don’t wait long for you. We made some stops in other villages, dropping off freight and picking up a few people.

So I eventually arrived in Bethel, scheduled my return flight and paid for the tickets, and had absolutely no plans as to where I was going. I called every Bethel contact in my phone but not one person answered the call! I didn’t know how to get to my Bethel buddies’ houses so that was out of the question. Next, I got my computer and looked up all the hotels in Bethel. I made my way down the list of hotels, trying to find an empty room, and couldn’t believe everything was taken! The very last hotel on my list – yes, this is dramatic but completely true…(Tundra Suites), I was a bit hopeful – the guy didn’t speak very good English, but from what I gathered, there was one room available, but I had to be there in person to book it. So I grabbed my backpack and hailed a cab. He had to make a few stops on the way and I was praying that room was still available. He finally dropped me off and I ran up to the door, which was locked. I tried to get the guys attention, and he came to a window, stuck his head out and said something that sounded like “Too noisy! No rooms!” and shut the window.

So there I was, standing out in the cold, the darkness starting to settle in, and with nowhere to go. Fortunately I noticed I wasn’t too far from a store, so I walked over and started assessing my options. I wound up buying some trail mix for dinner, and was steeling myself for asking someone if I could crash on their couch… but no one seemed the type to be very welcoming. Someone put it this way once: “Bethel is the armpit of Alaska.” So then I was planning on camping out somewhere, maybe at the back of a building. It was pretty cold out but I could manage. So I grabbed a bag of cough drops and a water bottle and checked out. Then I got a call from a friend and teacher in Newtok, asking how I was doing, and I explained my situation. She said she would call back with a phone number, which she did, but there was no answer there either. Arg. My friend called again, and said I should try the high school – there might be someone at the district office to open the door. I had my doubts, as it was late by now, but I was willing to try. So I walked the mile over to the district office and banged on the door, and no one answered. So again, I planned on camping out beside this door, because I figured it was safer than anywhere else.

But then I spotted a man walk by carrying a big box, and immediately I called out, “Excuse me sir! Do you work here?” He did. I explained my situation and he gladly opened the door. Phew! Home sweet home away from home. I profusely thanked him and definitely praised God for staying with me and protecting me. I never panicked – I had a peace about it, and was just living the adventure – like I said, it is a crazy happening, yet somewhat normal for bush life. So it has a happy ending. I woke up this morning and found it snowing, the ground covered, so it would have been a rough night had I wound up spending the night outside. We’ll see how the rest of my trip goes – I still had to make some last minute reservations for a car in Anchorage and the hotel in Girdwood. But all is well as of now. :)

Life Recently

I woke up this morning to a beautiful heavy snowfall! It was so awesome! This week has been crazy, and the weekend is even crazier, but the beauty of nature has a way of making everything okay. It’s an impression of God’s beauty, which makes even more sense! We had a movie night last night in the gym, the student council sold popcorn and pizza. Today (Saturday), I had speech practice from 11-11:45, Saturday School goes from 12-2, students have open gym from 2-4, then the school is hosting a Saturday Market, which is like a garage sale for the village.

One of my students came in late one day this past week and said “I didn’t get to have my coffee this morning!” Feeling completely sorry for the kid, I asked why. He said they didn’t have any water. Well, that happens. People get busy and forget to do their chores. Depending on how many water containers you have in your house depends on how often you pack water. I pack water every couple of days and it just becomes part of life. It’s no big deal, just something else you have to do. Packing water beats dumping a honey bucket any day.

Every student in school gets free breakfast and lunch, and every student up until high school gets snacks every day. We try and get fruit, since it’s not easy to get fresh food in the village. But sometimes it may be a few crackers. We did a survey one time and found students’ top three reasons to come to school: 1) to eat, 2) to use a flushing toilet, and 3) to see friends. 

We’ve been having problems with the village generator. The lights blink on and off sometimes and the power goes off for an hour at a time some days. So they finally got the parts in order to try and fix it. So last Saturday they planned to shut all the power off in the entire village for 5 hours. Every cabin is run off that generator; the school alone has it’s own. So even though we had Saturday school for a while, I was glad I had a warm place to go. The temperatures had dipped down into freezing, and because the houses are off the ground, it’s even colder in the house. So for the hours I wasn’t at the school I was pretty chilled. I can look at it as prepping for my winter hikes. :) But the villagers just had to deal with no power for those cold hours. I’ve counted by blessings many, many times since moving here.

Well, I cut my hair right before I came back in August and knew I’d have to cut it again before Christmas break, so I invested in some sharp scissors over the summer. (Last year all I could find to use was an old, dull pair of scissors. It wasn’t a pretty site.) So anyway, I’m getting better at trimming my hair. The good thing about having it short is I can just chop anywhere. At least, that’s how I go about it. I don’t care too much about how I look, but I hate the feeling of greasy hair. So I like it short.

We had a staff volleyball game Saturday and it was a lot of fun. It’s a great time to put away all the paper work and have some fun with your colleagues. Okay, it is fun, but I’m really competitive. :) So I had some good ole’ battle injuries after the game. It was a lot of laughs. Speaking of laughs, I’ve acquired a new nickname from the staff: “Giggles.” I get the giggles pretty easily and it’s really hard to stop. I get them while teaching, in meetings, or just having a conversation. During our last in-service the site administrator stood up and announced, “Welcome to the session, full of Kim’s laughing.” Well, better a day of laughing than a day of boredom. Everyone eventually cracked up, so even if I’m not a great teacher at least I can say I’m cheerful. 

His Mission, His Resources

The responsibilities of teaching in the bush never seem to end. I’m not complaining because it keeps me on my toes and I’m continuing to learn along with my students. All upper hall teachers (there are 4 of us who teach grades 6-12) have been recruited to teach science and include a lab with our homeroom class once a week, and present what we learned and discovered to the rest of the school. Yikes. The first one was fun but I’m definitely no science person! But you have to be flexible as a teacher, especially in the bush, and take on what you need to. It’s either that, or go without. So more planning, more prepping… but it’s for a good cause. We just have to figure out how to do what’s asked of you. Now, how on earth I’m going to come up with labs that we can do, I have no idea. So any ideas (that don’t require many materials, as they are nearly impossible to come by here) is very welcome!

So needless to say it’s been a busy school year so far. Afterschool programs have been up and running for a while – student council, speech, NYO, cross country, robotics, open gym, computer lab, study hall, men’s and women’s night… our days are packed. Sometimes I don’t get home until 9:00 at night, and I just crash. I get up at 4:45 to start my day with exercising at the gym, so weekends are very much needed for getting sleep and rest. Even though we still have Saturday school, I have a few extra hours to sleep on Saturday mornings.

I’ve mentioned how depressing this place is with all the death, suicide attempts, dropouts, crime and violence, etc. It’s not always a happy place but that’s just the way it goes. But please don’t think I’m complaining. I’m very humbled that God would allow me to be here, experiencing this way of life. Typically I enjoy challenges. I like rising above the low expectations and prove I can overcome the obstacles. And with God’s grace and strength, He has been successful with this adventure. All glory goes to HIM! Without Him I am useless. My saving grace is in knowing that everything will be okay, even if not in this life. I know that for all the struggles, pain, sorrow, and hardships we go through, God is still with me, and even if everything fails, it’s okay, because His will is greater than mine.

Things could be much worse, I know, but it’s far from being a joyful place. I do find it a challenge to try and be a counselor for pretty much all of my students, while still doing everything it takes to be a good teacher. And many times, because I’m working to try and help everyone else, I forget to take care of my own needs. I get focused on what I need to do and say and tend to push my emotions aside, trying to remain strong. I know I got this from my mom, but even though it seems admirable (I do admire my mom!), it can eventually cause everything else to suffer, or even collapse. (I think my mom is the exception. She’s like a superhero.) It’s overwhelming at times, but it’s nothing that God cannot handle. I simply cannot take on all the responsibility with my own strength, however tough I may think I am. And I do like to think I’m tough! It’s too great of a task (in importance and the amount of responsibility). He knows this, and He gladly carries me through. I have to remind myself of that every single day, that I am on HIS mission, using HIS resources. And that makes all the difference.